The Courage to be Disliked

Have you ever been instantly drawn in by a book title? That’s exactly how I felt when I picked up The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga a few months ago.

It was just a week into the New Year when I walked into my local bookstore, calmly planning to find something light and uplifting, preferably with a pastel cover, big friendly letters, and no heavy emotions.

I passed the romance section without stopping. Somewhere along the way, this midlife soul had made peace with the fact that real life doesn’t come with violins playing in the background, or anyone reaching out to pull you onto a moving train, DDLJ-style. So now, love isn’t about Shah Rukh in the rain.

Love looks different these days. It’s sharing Wi-Fi, forwarding funny cat videos, and loving the same old films. It’s gentle reminders about the grocery list and borrowing books from the library when you can’t make it there yourself. It’s listening to how my mind wanders when curiosity strikes and laughing at little things some people don’t find funny. And last but not least, love is enjoying my writing, just my odd little thoughts with nothing heavy in them.

And I didn’t even pause at the diet books aisle. Sorry, sprouted salads, you’re no match for my love of Kerala’s traditional foods — and I certainly don’t need a book to tell me how to make those. Plus, I like to think I left my binge-eating days behind.

As I walked toward the curio section, this bright red book caught my eye. Nowadays, many bookstores seem to have more jewelry, dreamcatchers, scented candles, mugs, and quirky bookmarks than actual books.

The title, The Courage to Be Disliked, stared back at me like it knew me. I flipped through a few pages, thinking it would be one of those cheerful self-help books, like “5 ways to change your life before you finish one Insta reel.”

Instead, I found a calm, thoughtful talk between a wise old man and a slightly annoying young man. The style was a bit unusual, so I was eager to discover what it held inside.

Though I meant to read it when I first brought it home, for many reasons, it ended up as just another inmate in my bookshelf’s to-be-read corner.

Last month, I picked it up again and finally gave it the attention it deserved. Little did I know this tiny red book would cause more drama than my entire family WhatsApp group that week!

The book is based on the theories of Alfred Adler. Honestly, I’d never heard of him before. I was never that interested in psychology in the past. I just figured I could understand people by interacting with them. Not telepathy or anything fancy, just a gut feeling.

Anyway, I Googled him and found out that Adler was an Austrian doctor and therapist who lived from 1870 to 1937. He started something called “individual psychology.” What struck me was his quiet belief that your past doesn’t have to control your life. You can always start fresh, no matter what!

The book is divided into five parts, each called a “night” — 1st Night, 2nd Night, all the way to 5th Night. It reads like a friendly conversation, breaking down big ideas into bite-sized, easy-to-follow pieces. The young man keeps asking the same questions, and the philosopher stays calm and wise. His answers prompt you to stop and think.

Here’s the gist of what it teaches:

• Deny trauma
• All problems are basically about relationships
• Don’t carry other people’s problems
• You are not the center of the universe
• Live fully here and now

I won’t do a deep dive review just yet. I’ll probably need a second or even more readings for that. But here are a few lines that made me stop and listen:

Your past isn’t the boss of you.
The book says your past doesn’t dictate who you are or who you’ll become. What matters is how you decide to understand your past. Sure, the past happened, but it’s not a script you’re stuck with.

You get to be the director of your own life story. The power to choose your path and how to live today is all yours.

Live to satisfy yourself, not others.
One big lesson Adler shares is that trying to please everyone is not only exhausting but also pointless. I’ve lost count of how many times I said “yes” when I wanted to say “no,” or stuck through endless phone calls about the neighbor’s cousin’s wife’s friend’s wedding just to be polite. Sometimes, all I wanted was a quiet moment and a cup of chai.

Don’t carry other people’s tasks.
This one was eye-opening. We often carry worries that aren’t ours—like what others think or keeping everyone happy. Once you separate your tasks from theirs, it’s like dropping a heavy bag you didn’t know you were carrying. Suddenly, skipping a kitty party or ignoring family group good morning messages doesn’t make you feel guilty.

Cut the Gordian knot.
There’s this idea in the book about “cutting the Gordian knot,” which means sometimes you don’t have to overthink problems. Just take a bold, simple step forward. Stop worrying about the past or your fears and choose to live your way. Brave moves can untangle even the messiest knots.

Freedom lies in being disliked.
This was the hardest to swallow, but also the most freeing. The day you stop trying to be liked by everyone is the day you truly start living free. Sounds scary, right? When I was younger, I overthought everything—from whether my churidar matched my dupatta, to whether the jasmine flowers in my hair were sitting right, to whether the ironing lady was annoyed because I gave her too many cotton sarees at once.

But now, I’m slowly letting go of that need for approval, and guess what? The world hasn’t ended. It’s like finally chopping off your long hair after years and realizing life goes on just fine. And you feel so much lighter.

For over 50 years, I tried hard to be polite and avoid upsetting anyone. I cared a lot about what others thought of me. Comments people throw at you as compliments, like “You look tired” or “You’ve lost weight, are you okay?” used to bother me more than I’d admit.

I didn’t expect this book to speak to me at this stage of life, but it did. Midlife isn’t just about hot flushes, frozen shoulders, or politely smiling when someone asks those questions while you feel bad inside.

It’s about dropping all the “shoulds” we drag around and finally asking ourselves, “What is it that I truly want?”

For me, The Courage to Be Disliked felt like a mirror—not the kind that shows my dark circles or grey hairs, but one that smiles back and says, “It’s okay to be yourself, even if not everyone applauds. Remember, freedom often means being disliked by others.”

I recommend this book, especially if you’re in that messy, beautiful phase of rediscovery. You might not agree with everything (I didn’t), but it will get your mind wandering. And honestly, that’s a wonderful place to start.

P.S. The world is simple, and life is too. All you need is the courage to be disliked.